Category: thoughts

You take a deep breath and realize what just happened.  You say to yourself that it can’t be and it won’t be. It has.  For a moment, you think that its happening outside of you.  Something that you have read or heard on televisions.  But its not, its happening now and its happening to you.

You said to yourself that this time it would be different…it wasn’t.  You promised that by allowing yourself the opportunity to be open, that it would happen…it did. You changed a bit of who you were and sacrificed your dreams/wants…did you? You then begin to wonder and feel as though your heart is closing onto itself and you ask yourself – “why?”, “why now?”,”really?”, “FUCK!”.

It is a rhetorical question as no answer can really satisfy.

You wonder if you did something wrong. You wonder if maybe you had been different.  You explain to yourself that its not, but then again you are the common denominator.

Days pass by and you feel empty. You feel as though life is passing you by and your standing there…still.

You attempt to have flimsy sexual relationships, but they end up disappointing you.  You realize that people want you for one thing and when they are done, they are done.  You feel empty.  Are your expectations to high?  Maybe your just not ready..maybe you will never be.  You hope you are.

You cry. You scream. You throw things.  You cry some more. You smile and then cry some more. You smile-cry.

After the storm..you are calm..and you being to slowly accept…that one inevitable thing you hoped you’d though would pass…

You.are.alone

Its crazy to think that it can be gone so fast, but sure enough my words are gone.  NO back up can restore it. No know-it-all regarding digital can recover it. No digital print left behind, no thoughts to be archived.  I lost 4 years worth of blog posts and I am left with only a question – wtf?

When we think about the digital age, we like to think that we are more inclined to back up data but the truth is that we can loose that information as quickly as we make it.  This would not be the case if you were to write it down.  If I had, I would not be in this predicament.

I think now only of the highlights of the last four years:

2013

My last year in NYC.

2014

My move to Mexico

2015

My move to Chicago

today

My move to Canada

1. I have come to realize that, my butt:
is not as big as i would like it to be , and wonder why my moms is really big.

2. I have come to realize that, when I talk:
i have a lisp

3. I have come to realize that, if I love someone:
i always make it an effort to pay attention to the little things that they like. It is those things that we as humans cherish the most.

4. I have come to realize that, I need:
peace , happiness, and an understanding of how to become a self-actualized person in this fucked up world.

5. I have come to realize that, I lost:
a real great friend to something really stupid and that every time i think i about it i become mad at myself.

6. I have come to realize that, I hate it when:
people repeat things to me and when someone is talking to me and has bad breath.lol

7. I have come to realize that, if Im drunk:
i will most likely end up going home

8. I have come to realize that, marriage:
is something that i dont believe in .

9. I have come to realize that, work:
is required in life, otherwise you feel empty and are not contributing anything to your surroundings.

10. I have come to realize that, I will always be:
okay, regardless of how fucked up things get.

12. I have come to realize that, the last time I cried was:
when i moved to new york. On battery park, on a bench, looking at the statue of liberty.

13. I have come to realize that, my cell phone is:
the devil in an eletronic version.

14. I have come to realize that, when I wake up in the morning:
i dont need to take a bath because my dog has already done it with his tongue. damn chimi.

15. I have come to realize that, before I go to sleep at night:
i think about the events of my day and what i liked and didnt like.

16. I have come to realize that, right now I am thinking about:
what i am going to do this weekend .

17. I have come to realize that, hate:
is not a feeling that i want to have. But often wonder if this feeling is required among all the others that we humans carry.

18. I have come to realize that, before i die:
I want to write a book and see the pyramids

19. I have come to realize that, I love:
life

20. I have come to realize that, tonight I will:
read a book and fall asleep on my floor.lol

21. I have come to realize that, tomorrow I will:
wake up to chimi tap dancing on my face

22. I have come to realize that, I really want to:
take a vacation by myself

23. I have come to realize that, working out:
is something that i enjoy doing but often times feel lazy because my gym is so fucking far!!

24. I have come to realize that, friends:
TRUE friends are those who will be there for you regardless of your choice and/or path in your life.

25. I have come to realize that, life:
is what you make out of it. We are only here for a very very very short amount of time and that life’s moments must be spent laughing, loving, and living.

“No sé cómo decirte
que hoy me he dado cuenta
del tiempo que perdí
contigo dando vueltas
a un sueño donde
me jurabas ser el unico
y ha resultado ser tan solo
una promesa.

No sé cómo decirte que hoy
me he dado cuenta
que has apurado a fondo
mi paciencia
hoy sé que has entregado
nada a cambio
que he sido yo sólo un juguete
entre tus manos.

Ya me cansé de vivir
improvisando para ti
ya me cansé de seguirte
yo me quedo aquí.
He malgastado mis fuerzas
viviendo deprisa
ya no doy más
no me esperes
yo me quedo aquí.

No sé cómo decirte
que hoy me he dado cuenta
que ya no me enloqueces
cara de muñeco
estoy cansado de vivir
de esta manera
viviendo tan deprisa
la vida no se aprecia.

Ya me cansé de vivir
improvisando para ti
ya me cansé de seguirte
yo me quedo aquí
he malgastado mis fuerzas,
mira , viviendo deprisa
ya no doy más, no me esperes,
yo me quedo aquí”

My chest hurts.

Its an unbelivable feeling to feel what I feel.  So many emotions.
Doubt. Fear. Anger. Disappointment…..Hope?

I can’t recall a time where I have felt such pain.  Have I ever felt it?
I wonder if I was jumping to conclusions.
If it was not true then why does it hurt so much.
So much that I can’t seem to breathe…[gasp].

History repeats itself.
But what If I can overide history.?
Can such power exist?

I am the creator of my story
My perception.
My life.

If I am the narrator…why does it feel so uncontrollable?

 

While I dusted the dust of my keyboard, I began to think when was the last time I had written here.  As I have recently learned, a lot can happen in 2 months:

I MOVED. I received the phone call around 9 pm at the end of February.  It was my brother.  He informed me that due to the lost of his job and the lost of my mother’s job, the house was now under foreclosure.  And so, in an attempts to help la familia, I gave up my studio apartment and moved into a room.  Thats right, I have said goodbye to my barrio in the Bronx and said hello to my new neighborhood – Washington Heights.  While I packed my things I now started to count.  This will be the 5th apartment I have lived in since I moved to New York City in 2006.  My friends laughs at me.  Not even he, who is a born and raised new yorker, has moved around so much.  He has only lived in 2 apartments in his entire life.  Guess I am winning.

I GAVE UP HALF MY LIFE when I moved.  It was a decision that took a long time to fruition.  “Half my life” weights about 14 pounds, has big ears, and the eyes of an angel.  Chimi.  I gave up Chimi.  While some may say its only an animal, and yes part of me knows that he is happier with his new owner.  I still cant shake the feeling that I lost some part of my life.  I had him since birth.  The 4 years we spent together are one that I will never forget.  He is my little soldier.  He was there with me through the tough times.  Through the good, the bad, and the funny.  When I felt down, he looked up at me and made me smile.  He made me angry.  But through all this, he was mine.  My chimi…. (Picture taken by Chimi’s new owner. I would never buy him a Harry Potter sweater.)

If you asked me 4 months ago if I would be living in uptown manhattan, alone, in a room without Chimi…I would have laughed.  I notice how time happens and how life has a way of changing things on you.  I can only hang on for the ride.   I hope that I have a good grip.

“I am so glad we found each other.  He is my soulmate” I heard my friend say as I somehow swallowed my soon to be jaded comment. I wanted to speak to bad, but knew that his was not the right place nor the right time. Why fuck up someone’s happiness with all your jaded baggage? Um…maybe because it need to be done?

Soul Mate.  Two words, yet so big of a meaning. Is there really just ONE person for each one of us out there? Are there multiple soul mates? To be honest, my answer is..no. How can there be MULTIPLE people in this world that you share that one divine connection with? And also, is a soul mate a person? feeling? thing? spirit? WHAT THE HELL ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HERE?!

Maybe its my jadedness talking, but I just cant move past that notion. But I ask myself…is there an “interim soul mate” that can be obtained on the way to your real soul mate? Taste tests, wine tasting, Pre-martial sex, they even let you try all the flavors in Cold Stone Creamery before you buy it. So why cant I get the same service for a soul mate?

“We even have the same zodiac sign…” my friend said.

If you dont have nothing nice to say, dont say anything at all. Isn’t it my duty as a good friend to smack my friend in the face and have them face reality? Have them answer, or at the very least…ask, the questions above ?

Blame me, but I took the cowardly way out…I smiled back and said…”Wow..that is sooo great! (insert cheesy, uninterested, phony smile here)”

No one can really predict what our life path will lay out for us. Some believe in destiny while others believe in fate. But why is it that as hard as we like it to, some things in life can not be and/or do not want to be…controlled?

“It must be your pride. Give it up. Your not looking foolish. In the end you will end up alone. Give…it..up. ” were the last things my friend said to me as he walked away infuriated. This has happened on more than once occasion. My unwillingness to give up control. Why is it that I find it hard to give up control? Had I been raised this way? Could it be, that over the years my selfsih need for constant control has built itself to be some sort of a defense mechanism?

I play these scenarios in my mind over and over to try and make sense of them. I always end up on a question rather than a solution – was it really my fault?

A friend once told me that I should resist trying to make things happen. To listen to the universe for whats its telling me. I know sit back and try to listen to it. I hope that it speaks my language.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLpj9BMNZU0]

It is said that Love will conquer all.  It will defy any obstacle. Move any mountain. Sustain any relationship.  But I wonder – does it really?  Above EVERYTHING else, does it???

My mother used to say that when Hunger comes through the door, Love will leave through the window.  I didnt know what she meant by that, but as an adult – I now do.

Every potential lover, relationship, date – we judge them.  The attraction is there, however we can’t help but look at the “rest”.  What is the rest?  Well, the job, the status, the dreams, the passion, where they live, what they do for a living, etc. etc.  The things that love does not see and does not judge.  In the end you go with your judgment and not with your heart.

So you question yourself and ask if what you are doing is right.  Whether you should listen to your heart.  Your chest begins to hurt and your mind starts to wonder.  Your left with a feeling of shallowness and selfishness.  You begin to judge YOU.

Why is it then that we can’t just allow someone to enter our lives without judgment, with soly just LOVE?  It sounds a lot easier than done.