accepting alone

You take a deep breath and realize what just happened.  You say to yourself that it can’t be and it won’t be. It has.  For a moment, you think that its happening outside of you.  Something that you have read or heard on televisions.  But its not, its happening now and its happening to you.

You said to yourself that this time it would be different…it wasn’t.  You promised that by allowing yourself the opportunity to be open, that it would happen…it did. You changed a bit of who you were and sacrificed your dreams/wants…did you? You then begin to wonder and feel as though your heart is closing onto itself and you ask yourself – “why?”, “why now?”,”really?”, “FUCK!”.

It is a rhetorical question as no answer can really satisfy.

You wonder if you did something wrong. You wonder if maybe you had been different.  You explain to yourself that its not, but then again you are the common denominator.

Days pass by and you feel empty. You feel as though life is passing you by and your standing there…still.

You attempt to have flimsy sexual relationships, but they end up disappointing you.  You realize that people want you for one thing and when they are done, they are done.  You feel empty.  Are your expectations to high?  Maybe your just not ready..maybe you will never be.  You hope you are.

You cry. You scream. You throw things.  You cry some more. You smile and then cry some more. You smile-cry.

After the storm..you are calm..and you being to slowly accept…that one inevitable thing you hoped you’d though would pass…

You.are.alone

4 years lost – virtually

Its crazy to think that it can be gone so fast, but sure enough my words are gone.  NO back up can restore it. No know-it-all regarding digital can recover it. No digital print left behind, no thoughts to be archived.  I lost 4 years worth of blog posts and I am left with only a question – wtf?

When we think about the digital age, we like to think that we are more inclined to back up data but the truth is that we can loose that information as quickly as we make it.  This would not be the case if you were to write it down.  If I had, I would not be in this predicament.

I think now only of the highlights of the last four years:

2013

My last year in NYC.

2014

My move to Mexico

2015

My move to Chicago

today

My move to Canada

I have come to relize that…

1. I have come to realize that, my butt:
is not as big as i would like it to be , and wonder why my moms is really big.

2. I have come to realize that, when I talk:
i have a lisp

3. I have come to realize that, if I love someone:
i always make it an effort to pay attention to the little things that they like. It is those things that we as humans cherish the most.

4. I have come to realize that, I need:
peace , happiness, and an understanding of how to become a self-actualized person in this fucked up world.

5. I have come to realize that, I lost:
a real great friend to something really stupid and that every time i think i about it i become mad at myself.

6. I have come to realize that, I hate it when:
people repeat things to me and when someone is talking to me and has bad breath.lol

7. I have come to realize that, if Im drunk:
i will most likely end up going home

8. I have come to realize that, marriage:
is something that i dont believe in .

9. I have come to realize that, work:
is required in life, otherwise you feel empty and are not contributing anything to your surroundings.

10. I have come to realize that, I will always be:
okay, regardless of how fucked up things get.

12. I have come to realize that, the last time I cried was:
when i moved to new york. On battery park, on a bench, looking at the statue of liberty.

13. I have come to realize that, my cell phone is:
the devil in an eletronic version.

14. I have come to realize that, when I wake up in the morning:
i dont need to take a bath because my dog has already done it with his tongue. damn chimi.

15. I have come to realize that, before I go to sleep at night:
i think about the events of my day and what i liked and didnt like.

16. I have come to realize that, right now I am thinking about:
what i am going to do this weekend .

17. I have come to realize that, hate:
is not a feeling that i want to have. But often wonder if this feeling is required among all the others that we humans carry.

18. I have come to realize that, before i die:
I want to write a book and see the pyramids

19. I have come to realize that, I love:
life

20. I have come to realize that, tonight I will:
read a book and fall asleep on my floor.lol

21. I have come to realize that, tomorrow I will:
wake up to chimi tap dancing on my face

22. I have come to realize that, I really want to:
take a vacation by myself

23. I have come to realize that, working out:
is something that i enjoy doing but often times feel lazy because my gym is so fucking far!!

24. I have come to realize that, friends:
TRUE friends are those who will be there for you regardless of your choice and/or path in your life.

25. I have come to realize that, life:
is what you make out of it. We are only here for a very very very short amount of time and that life’s moments must be spent laughing, loving, and living.

Cómo decirte

“No sé cómo decirte
que hoy me he dado cuenta
del tiempo que perdí
contigo dando vueltas
a un sueño donde
me jurabas ser el unico
y ha resultado ser tan solo
una promesa.

No sé cómo decirte que hoy
me he dado cuenta
que has apurado a fondo
mi paciencia
hoy sé que has entregado
nada a cambio
que he sido yo sólo un juguete
entre tus manos.

Ya me cansé de vivir
improvisando para ti
ya me cansé de seguirte
yo me quedo aquí.
He malgastado mis fuerzas
viviendo deprisa
ya no doy más
no me esperes
yo me quedo aquí.

No sé cómo decirte
que hoy me he dado cuenta
que ya no me enloqueces
cara de muñeco
estoy cansado de vivir
de esta manera
viviendo tan deprisa
la vida no se aprecia.

Ya me cansé de vivir
improvisando para ti
ya me cansé de seguirte
yo me quedo aquí
he malgastado mis fuerzas,
mira , viviendo deprisa
ya no doy más, no me esperes,
yo me quedo aquí”

[gasp]

My chest hurts.

Its an unbelivable feeling to feel what I feel.  So many emotions.
Doubt. Fear. Anger. Disappointment…..Hope?

I can’t recall a time where I have felt such pain.  Have I ever felt it?
I wonder if I was jumping to conclusions.
If it was not true then why does it hurt so much.
So much that I can’t seem to breathe…[gasp].

History repeats itself.
But what If I can overide history.?
Can such power exist?

I am the creator of my story
My perception.
My life.

If I am the narrator…why does it feel so uncontrollable?

 

One for the bucket list

There are many thing in this world that I am willing to try, and this past Monday I crossed one off my list…Snowboarding.

The thought of having your feet bound to board and then you are thrown down a mountain of snow didn’t seem to ammusing at first.  But all I needed was a “cmon!” from my coworker and I was there.

Needless to say, I came out the other end with a sprained knee and good memories.

Thanks MLK for the day off.

broken holidays

Its hard sometimes to swallow.  My family is falling apart.  What was once the one thing that kept us all together, seems like its now all deterating and there is not way to stop it.

I think about it more and more as times goes by and especially during the holiday season.  Its the one time of year, that over the years, I am beginning to regret more and more.

Call me selfish, but it seems that every year I spend about $700 bucks to fly home, rent a car, etc etc.  But I wonder…”damn..how come no one has ever come to visit me?”.   Now i know this may seem selfish, but I cant seem to shake the feeling.   Why is it always me who goes to visit?  Isnt my life just as important?  And I dont mean for the holidays….anytime of year would do.  Let me show you my new life here in the city.

When posed with the question as to why my they dont come visit me, my family always seems to have the same answer.  “Si pero, es mas facil para ti venir aqui”.  NO! , fuck that..its not easier for me to come down there.  I still have to take the time off work, get my ass on a plane, rent a car, and go house to house visiting everybody.  Cause god forbid you dont spend at least 23 hours of the day with the family!!

Aside from the cost and selfish feeling, I now have to hear complaining of how one part of the family is better than the other(divorced family).  Not to mention you have to spend time in one house and then go to the next.  Also, my family makes me feel guilty if I spend 1 eve. with one parent, one with the other…all a viscous cycle that I really did not mind while I was in college but…now, I just feel distant, and I resent the fact NO ONE EVER COMES TO VISIT ME…my Dad barely pays attention because he is always working, my Mom complains about why I am always on my father’s side, and my brother complains because I dont spend enough time with him while I am down there.  Sorry…smoking week 22hours of the day is just not my thing anymore….

My bad I had to vent…Anyways I digress…

Home for the holidays….can’t wait.

2 months to an era

Its been more than two months since my last post and I must say it feels a bit longer than that.  It seems like yesterday when I wrote my post about leaping forward.  I guess I leaped so forward that I dont even know where the time went.  But time has moved forward and two months cant seem like an era…

I got mono …WTF!!! yeah I know.  Who the hell gets mono past 17 years old.  I guess I should be more careful next time on those first date kisses.

I started my new job …I was a bit scared at first but after being here for 2 months, it all feels like I been doing it for a long time.

I backpacked through Mexico… It happened on a whim and, some would say, stupid decision.  Leaving my job gave me a surge of energy unlike anything ever felt. To make use of it, I did what any other normal person would do…I headed south of the border.  I called my friend Todd in DF and he was kind enough to let me stay with him for a week.

Arriving in Mexico for the second time, felt like I had just gotten home.  There is something about this country that feels home to me.  The smell.  The people.  The pollution air. Aww…Im home.   Last time I was in Mexico I did the common turist thing, this time…I wanted to go to the beach.  The nearest beach form DF is Acapulco or Vera Cruz.  I called a friend and headed towards Acapulco.

After being in Acapulco for a day, my friend has to return back to DF to go to work.  I, however, was not ready to go back.  I told him that I would head south down the coast and make my way to Oaxaca city where I wanted to go last time I visited Mexico.  He advised against it.  Being the hard headed fuck that I am, I didnt listen.  Knowing that I would not liste, he then went on to tell me that there was no way to get to Oaxaca city from Acapulco unless I went down to Puerto Escondido and then made my way up the mountain. I booked a one way bus ticket to Puerto Escondido with no idea what was to come.

Needless to say the bus ride was fucking insane. No AC, loud kids, chickens, and a really intense amount of BO. Aww..Mexico. I arrived at the Puerto Escondido bus station at 2 am and made my way to the beach area, got a room, and headed to bed. The next morning I headed to an internet cafe to check on how civilization was doing. After sending some emails, I met a fellow traveler. We clicked right away. He informed me that he was making his way east to a town called Huatulco, but that he would be stooping in a town called Zipolete. A small hippie nudist town. I jumped to the idea. We hoped on a truck and headed east.

Zipolete was not what I expected. Everything was rustic. A TRUE beach town. We met locals and climbed a mountain. I even slept in a shack. Trully, Trully..not what I expected. The next morning while at breakfast, I asked him how to get to Oaxaca from here. His faced turned serious. He said the road from Zipolete to Oaxaca is a dangerous one and that he would advise against it. Same story as my friend back in Acapulco, however this time I decided to listen. He told me that I could head to Huatulco with him and then take a plane to Oaxaca. I did just that.

When we arrived at Huatulco, it was a bit more civilization. A city. We booked a really nice hotel after sleeping in a shack from the previous night. We figured we deserved it. The next morning we headed to the dock and booked snorkeling tour. A bit touristy, but I wanted to see the famous Bays of Huatulco. After snorkeling, we docked at a small island and had shrimp and drank for what felt like hours. Its funny to think about how far we were from civilization. If we died out here, no one would ever know. There was this tree on this island that had a very interesting energy. Touching it along consumed you. It overtook me.

After returning back to land, I decided I would stay the remainder of my trip in Huatulco with my new friend. Needless to say, I never made it to Oaxaca, but to be honest I am glad. It was unplanned. It was fluid. Naturual and at the same time mystic. The next morning we hopped on a plane back to DF where I spent the remainder of my time before heading back to NYC.

My return back was surreal. Seeing all the towering building, loud noise, and amounts of people. I was home. Back to my normal life and my new job.

The beginning to a new chapter.

PS: Below is a map of how far I traveled.