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It seemed not to long ago that I can remember our first smile together.  I remember times of happiness, lust and excitement.  The moment where ur eyes sparkled and the scenery behind you stood still, blurred, and unmovable.  Where everything seemed to move slow and every flaw was brought forward.   A smile given and no words said.  When the world around seemed so insignificant and the only people standing there were you and I.  No sound.  No motion  Just stillness.

I think of that moment now as I sit here and ponder –  How it ended up like this and my mind starts to wonder.

There is no band-aid big enough.  The bleeding continues.

Karma.  Until today, it was a word that held a very strong POSITIVE affirmation.  Karma, in its simplest of definitions,  is the law of causation.  First introduced in Hinduism, it states that everything that you put out to the world you will get in return.  Every action that has been done, ever feeling, every though, negative or positive, will inevitabbly come back to you.  It wasn’t until an article I read today, shook the core of my belief.

The author of the article,  spoke of  Karma as a law for the sheep.  A law in which we humans cant control and every action, no matter how injust, horrid, brutal, is deserving to its receiver.    For example, if a girl where to be raped, Karma would say that she deserved it because of some evil she had committed, in this life or the previous.  While my first reaction to reading this was anger,  I find that I should not be angry, because in the end Karma is taking place.

I am believer in that that which you put out will come back to you, but should someone be punished for something they did in their previous life?  How can such a thing ever be controlled here and now?  And if you commited some otroshios act in another life, what can you do (now that you know better) to stop Karma from taking place? Or are we destined to allow Karma to weild is horrible hand for the adverse actions we have created in the past?

During my younger years, I did some things that,  till today, I am not proud off and so, my belief in Karma, tells me that at one time, or one day I will pay for those things.  I wonder sometimes if there is anything that I can do, now, to stop this inevitable bad Karma from coming my way?  When will it happen?  Buddhist believe that the Karma will return when a person least expects it in order to do what Karma’s intention has always been – to teach a lesson.  To teach the lesson that in this life i must learn in order to not repeat it in the next.

I sit here now wondering and waiting.  I ask the “why”, the “what”, the “when” and the “where”….but cleverly enough…Karma has no response.  And while Fear is my first initial feeling…Acceptance has somehow taken over until Karma comes and finds me.

I wake now to find my self lost
Lost is a sphere of distrust
It is here where I lay with my trust by my side
That is now shaken and broken by your whimsical lie

Foolish I felt when others around me knew
Knew of your lies and deceit, and so why didn’t you tell me?
I am a man, a man whos always been trusting to you
Why was I the last to know, while everyone else knew?

And out of all the people out there
You choose the option most cheaper
It’s the lie the hurt the most
The knife sunk in hard and you tucked it in deeper

I am tired of the hushed conversations
The small insipid remarks
Have you no fucking consolation?
I found out your secret, hidden well in the dark

Now that its open, you cant even confess
Of the lies that you did, and the mess that you made
All the phony smiles that you sent my way
All the while knowing, the one thing you could not say

So go ahead and keep your lies & cowardly smiles
I am not interested – to me thats what you are….weak
Your cowardly remarks cant break whom I am…me.

I am the man you wish to be.

I hit the snooze button for what felt like the 26th time,  and I slowly realized that its time to wake up, but quite honestly i am not ready to do so.  The alarm again goes off to uncover me gazing into the dust particles that the sun rays brings into my room.  BUZZ BUZZ…Snooze. My dog licks me as to say “wake-up, that alarm is getting on my fucking nerves” Snooze # 10.  I sit there, head on my pillow, eyes wide open, and wonder about all the none sense, unanswered questions, and actions of the day that lays ahead of me.  Snooze # 13.

I lay my head back now and think of what it felt like those mornings to be waken up in the campos back home.  The smell of the fresh grass outside and the sun beaming in my face.  I pull  off the mosquitero from my bed and run to the kitchen where my mom stands with her bata making eggs.  I am back there now, yes…i can smell it.  The smell of sugar cane waiting with the anticipation of being cut.  The sound of the river hitting the rocks where my brother once fell.  The lake where countless summers me and my brother swam.  The sight of me running through the fathers field barefoot looking up at the sky  and my dog..my dog…BUZZ BUZZ Snooze # 19.

It is at Snooze #22 that I  arise in a zombie like way and walk to the cold tile of my bathroom.  I splash water on my face. I stare back at the mirror and it stares back at me.  I feel as though it wants to tell me something but it is bound to the limitations of its dimension.  The face in the mirror – I know this face.  Year upon year it starts to look different but somehow remains the same.  My dog graces my leg.   It seems that this will be a day of revelation but I somehow can’t seem to shake the notion that today, will be just like any other day.

Hey there friend i think we might have met before
Maybe not here but in another life time, then again once more
Hey there friend I am aware of your demeanor
Your sense of being and the tarnishing of your exterior
Hey there friend I am sure that this is simply just a faze
Overlooking our relationship – maybe not, maybe fate?
Hey there friend I am starting to have my doubts
Because your no longer here and are nowhere to be found
Hey there friend I think i must have dreamt it up
But my eyes are just wide open and I know i’ve woken up
Hey there…friend? I guess this is the time to say goodbye
But why is it that you linger here – burned into my mind
So goodbye my dearest friend, here it comes, i’ll try not to shed a tear
Because is not fate that pulled us far, but brought us closer here and near

An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere…a pessimist only the red stoplight. . .but the truly wise person – colorblind

“I think you are overreacting” – were the last word a close friend said to me as I hung up the phone.  Was I really over reacting?

In the past i have found comfort in knowing that my father taught me to be a man who is understanding, impartial, and fair.   I have learned that there are always three sides to any story – your side, their side, and the truth.  One should always look at a situation from all points of views before finally making a decision, so why is that when it comes to matters of the heart – one can only see their side.

We have been taught always to put our guard up when it comes to our feelings.  To create defense mechanism in order for the blow of a painful breakup, fight, dismissal will not hurt as much.  But when is it that we can let our guard down and allow the pain to sink in?  How can we tell the good from the bad?  And have we been so programmed that we sometimes tend to overreact when we feel the small hint of hurt coming our way?

I have been told that the best way to deal with pain is to face it head on and close the wound.  But what about not dealing with it at all?  Can we see heart ache coming and all together avoid it?  How can we be certain that it will hurt?  Have you ever dismissed someone simply because of their actions and given them no explanation and or reason?  Guilty – I have

In a recent event in my life i had to make a choice…to take the risk of allowing pain to come in or to simply dismiss it and wonder later of the inevitable – “what if?”

Truth be told – the decision is never easy.